Relationship Habits

Wednesday I taught the 7 deadly habits (criticizing, blaming, nagging, threatening, complaining, punishing and rewarding or bribing to control) and the 7 caring habits (encouraging, supporting, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting and negotiating differences) to my 8th graders.

I did forget to explain to a earlier class that punishing does not mean that your parents cannot punish you for wrong behavior. Although, Glasser would say that parents should not punish because it destroys relationships and doesn't build relationships. Since many parents are not trained in CT, I am sure that they give their children consequences for unwanted behavior and the child would see it as punishment. That's how I raised my children over the last 23 years. I do have an 8th grader of my own, and I am implementing more of these principles in her rearing then I did with my older children.

Punishing is also giving someone the silent treatment for 2 weeks or not forgiving, holding a grudge. All those things can be considered punishing. We talked about blaming and criticizing a lot because those are the behaviors that my students exhibit the most. That is also the behavior that I would like to see eradicated! Nagging, I believe is a common parent offense. The students agreed, when I whined " Is your room cleaned yet? " six times in a row. And then continued with "Did you finish your homework?" another 3 or 4 times. The room was filled with groans of agreement.

The discussion of bribing or rewarding to control was fun. One student asked, "what if my brother gave me 5 dollars for finding his watch?" I said that was a reward that wasn't designed to control. If he had said, "I'll give you $5 if you clean my room or $5 if you don't tell Mom and Dad what time I got home last night." That would be controlling behavior. They we able to come up with other examples of coercing their younger siblings in an attempt to control them.

After we discussed each of the behaviors, I asked them to get in small groups and pick one habit from each of the lists that they would like to work on. I told them they could ask a friend to hold them accountable for their behaviors or they could chose not to. I cautioned the class that if our friends ask us to help them to stop complaining and then we point a finger and tell them "You are complaining!" That comment would be considered criticizing or blaming! Instead, I suggested they use CT language and say "You are choosing to complain." After that gentle reminder, the person has the choice to continue to complain or they can choose to stop complaining. We need to remember that it is their choice and we cannot control the other person's behavior.

"Whose behavior can you control?"
"Mine!" a choral response and music to my ears!

I think that this week, I will have students generate a list of deadly habits that they see in our school and a list of caring habits. I think this will help them to understand building relationship more.

I have to say, that I really enjoy teaching Choice Theory. It is part of my language all day, everyday. I don't just pull it out to use on the kids. I am noticing that it is just integrated into my language and my teaching style now. I really don't think I could stop using it at this point!